I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
