he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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