this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
