Sorry, I don't speak sober.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
