omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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