there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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