i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you didnt know i had herpes?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
