Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
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She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
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I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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