my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
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