I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
