Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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