Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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