I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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