The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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