Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
