I could make wine with my vomit
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
jump out the window naked night went bad
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
