This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
