god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
