so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
