i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
