come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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