i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
