it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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