Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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