I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.