Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You need a sexual gate keeper
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
