having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
