just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
