I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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