how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
