I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
And then my night got REAL pukey
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
