It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
