I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
