Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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