Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
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you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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