DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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