i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
