Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
