I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
