I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
