The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
