it wasn't lemon gatorade
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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