when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
