I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
