im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
this is an emotional support booty call
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
