I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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