im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Randomize
