Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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