Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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