matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Randomize
