forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
