I looked at my own cervix.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
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