at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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