the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
