I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
