I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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