some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
