my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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